3 Gentle Goals to Dial Down Your ADHD Perfectionism Anxiety

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that presents challenges in areas like attention, organization, and impulsivity. If you have ADHD, you know how difficult symptoms can make everyday life tasks: from emotional regulation to organization, unmanaged ADHD can hinder daily functioning.

Neurodivergence can also lead to a higher likelihood of developing anxiety and perfectionism as coping mechanisms. Anxiety and perfectionism often fuel one another, and unless you dial down the anxiety you experience, you’re not likely to get a handle on your perfectionism. One way to do this is to incorporate specific, gentle, and realistic goals in your life. (The key here is gentle and realistic: there’s no point in setting goals that become just another way for you to punish yourself if you don’t measure up.)

So what does this look like? As an anxiety and ADHD therapist and coach, I can tell you everyone’s goals are different, and yours will depend on your values and the direction and experiences you want in your life. However, there are also some pretty fail-proof goals you can set for yourself to get started. These are developing self-compassion, creating a realistic schedule, and celebrating small achievements. Let’s jump in. 

ADHD, Anxiety, and Perfectionism

Neurodivergent people receive messaging early and often that they aren’t good enough, there’s something wrong with the way they operate, and if they just tried a little harder, they’d be able to function so much more smoothly in the world. As a result, people with ADHD commonly develop perfectionism as a coping strategy to get by in the world. 

Perfectionism, at its core, is a way of protecting yourself from making mistakes and avoiding the harsh judgment and negative opinions of others. If you’re perfect, after all, who could possibly criticize you? 

Perfectionism isn’t a great solution, though. It probably worked for a while: maybe you got praise and validation for working so hard, which fuels the cycle. Your anxiety revs up the more you’re praised and are outwardly successful, because if you falter, you have so much more to lose.

Perfectionism, perhaps unsurprisingly, is associated with myriad physical and mental health consequences. It can lead to…

• Harsh self-judgment
• Shame
• Feeling alone and unseen
• Isolation
• Burnout
• Fatigue
• Resentment and irritability
• Substance abuse
• Anxiety
• Depression

Perfectionism warps your humanity. It causes you to show up inauthentically in your life, which can’t truly serve you in the long run. It results in hypervigilance, because you’re constantly worried that it’s only a matter of time before you’re found out to be an imposter, or you make a big embarrassing mistake, or you fuck up. This system sets you up for nervous system dysregulation right off the bat. You may develop a sense of constant anxiety, feeling like everything is a threat, even neutral everyday situations. 

Gentle Goals for ADHD Anxiety

It’s hard being stuck in the endless looping cycle of perfectionism and anxiety. If that’s where you are, though, there are ways out. With support and goal setting, you can get out of the hamster wheel. Here are three goals you can incorporate into your life to ease anxiety.

1. Self Compassion

You’ve heard it before: developing self-compassion is key to improving mental health. But for people with ADHD and perfectionism, this is much easier said than done. Self compassion is a skill and a habit. It takes a lot of practice and time to cultivate, but one way you can work on it is by carving out time every day to do something compassionate for yourself. It doesn’t have to be anything big or fancy or even take more than a few seconds. Try these suggestions:

• Put your hand on your heart, relax the muscles in your face and neck, and take two deep breaths. 
• If mantras resonate with you, write some sweet notes to yourself on stickies and post them around your living space. When you see them, recite them back to yourself aloud. 
• Close your eyes and see if you can find the physical sensation of anxiety in your body. Maybe it’s your belly, your chest, or your hips. Then, place a hand over that body part and imagine a warm and gentle ray of light on that area. 

In order to develop more self-compassion, you’ll also need to set boundaries with your own self critic. When you notice your harsh inner critic getting loud, thank it for its help – it’s really just trying to protect you – and tell it you’re all set from here, thanks. Then, redirect your thoughts to something neutral, like the physical sensation of sitting, or petting your dog, or touching a warm mug of tea.

2. Create a Realistic Schedule

Being realistic with your capacity and abilities will help minimize your anxiety around perfectionism. This often means create a schedule that has a lot fewer to-dos, tasks, or activities than you think makes sense. Lower the bar for yourself. ADHD time blindness is just one reason why you might be trying to overcram your schedule – and keep falling short of your goals. Take factors like time blindness and likelihood of procrastination into account when setting up your schedule.

Is there a way you can take one thing off your plate today? Do all those to-dos really need to be completed right now? Can you delegate tasks? Can you set aside time for just yourself in your schedule, as opposed to your entire schedule being set up for someone else? By being super realistic (and even lowering the bar), your nervous system can relax a little, knowing there isn’t so much to have to focus on all at once. 

3. Celebrate Small Achievements

All your achievements deserve celebration, not just the big ones. If you’re like many of my clients, I’m willing to bet you don’t let yourself sink into your wins very often, if ever. You might not even acknowledge that you do anything right ever. When you’re an anxious perfectionist, it’s difficult to lean into the small glory of the present moment; instead, you may spend all your time worrying about and trying to control future unknowns. 

To counter this, remind yourself regularly of tiny wins. Try keeping track of them in a journal, calling a friend and asking them to listen to and celebrate you, or making a mental note when something small happens. Even if it feels silly to celebrate yourself, taking the time to acknowledge your wins can help dial down your anxiety by sending you the message that you’re already doing enough, right now.  

Support for Anxiety 

There’s no magic pill to get rid of your anxiety. Unlearning a lifetime of beliefs, habits, and dysregulation takes time and practice. However, as an anxiety therapist who has helped hundreds of clients dial down their hypervigilance, I’m here to tell you that you can do it too. 

If you want support in learning to set gentle goals to feel calmer and less stressed, I’m here to help. I offer individualized anxiety therapy and coaching to help people break free from anxiety-perfectionist loops. 

Together, we can set goals for your unique path, uncover coping skills that work for you, and find better balance in a life that feels overwhelming and stressful. 

Learn more about my therapy services (including EMDR and talk therapy) if you’re located in Idaho, Iowa, or South Carolina. For all other locations, check out my coaching services. My coaching program offers all the same expertise, tools, and guidance as therapy in a more direct and goal-oriented approach that you can benefit from anywhere. 

Reach out today to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation. Let’s start building a better future together.