How to Figure Out Your Obligations (& Feel Better)

I feel like a huge part of my work is making observations; I try to notice the patterns of what is going on in my clients lives and try to see what could be causing these patterns. Especially because things like this could be a part of what is causing stress or anxiety for my clients.

Something that I’ve noticed coming up a lot lately is the idea of obligations.

This sense of obligation can come from many different places in our lives.  

It’s pretty common that our parents start this trend. We could have heard things like “You have to get good grades in school” while we were growing up. Our parents would have taught us what was normal or expected when it comes to the rest of the world. Once we got used to the idea that we were obliged to do certain things, it would have been easy for us to feel obligated to keep it up for the rest of our life.

One of the biggest obligations comes from work, because if we don’t do what is expected of us at our work, then we could potentially lose our job.  

We also have a habit of giving ourselves obligations! This usually starts as a way to motivate, but then over time things shift from a motivation into an obligation.  

Obligations tend to make us feel like crap. We feel pressured, anxious, and stressed out about these things. At the same time, some of these things can feel necessary so it can be hard to pick out what things are an obligation, what things we want to keep around, and what things we can do without. Especially if we’ve been carrying these things around for years.

Here’s a way to figure out what things in your life are obligations.

One of the main themes with obligations is that we tend to refer to them by using the phase “have to.”  

I have to go to the gym.

I have to get good grades.

I have to tolerate Bob when I really hate him.

These all have the common language of “have to.”  We use words that reflect our perspective, so if we feel obligated to do things, this is reflected in how we talk.  

But the words we use can also change our perspective. One way to start to take a different view about your to-do list is to change your language. Every time you would say “have to,” change it to “want to.”

I want to go to the gym.

I want to get good grades.

I want to tolerate Bob when I really hate him.

When we tell ourselves that we have to do these things, there’s no choice. We have to do it.  But when we tell ourselves that we want to do it, suddenly it feels like we can choose.  

This sounds like such a simple thing, but it can make a huge difference. It can help you feel less stressed, figure out what you want to do, and take steps towards it. If you’re wondering if this could really help you, what could it hurt?