Why Is Making Friends as an Adult So Damn Hard?

Making friends as an adult can feel like trying to parallel park a giant trailer. It’s intimidating, awkward, and sometimes you just want to drive away and never try again. Whether you’ve just moved to a new city, are feeling stuck in the same routine, or are wrestling with anxiety or ADHD, figuring out how to find your people is tough.

I’ve had so many conversations with clients about this. You don’t have to be introverted or socially anxious to feel the struggle of making friends in adulthood, but let’s not ignore how much harder it can be if you are. Add in neurodivergence, where the rules of social interaction might as well be written in ancient hieroglyphs, and the whole process can feel impossible.

Even though it’s tricky, it’s not hopeless. Let’s break it down.

ADHD and Friendships: The Classic Challenge

When you’re a kid, making friends is almost automatic. You sit next to someone in class or team up for softball, and bam: instant friendship. As an adult? Not so much. But humans are social creatures, and it’s no secret that friendships are closely linked to benefits like longevity and overall well-being. 

Workplaces, which used to be the go-to spot for adult friendships, aren’t the magic solution they might seem. Your coworkers are a limited pool of people. Maybe they’re cool, but maybe you don’t click. And even if you do, workplace dynamics can complicate things. 

Bars used to be another option, but let’s face it: for many millennials, the idea of shouting yourself hoarse over bad music and dodging drunk people just doesn’t appeal. If you’ve got social anxiety, ADHD, or are introverted, environments with sensory overload and forced small talk are just not it.

So many American adults are lonely, overworked, chronically stressed, and burned out. Building friendships takes time and effort, and it can feel impossible to find the capacity to continue to put yourself out there. But there are easy(ish), low-stakes places to start.

Where to Start Making Friends As An Adult

First, you need to know that you’re not alone in this. Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like everyone else has already found their friend group, and they’re just out here wandering around like the last kid picked for dodgeball. That’s not true. Tons of people are in the same boat – they just don’t talk about it.

The second thing: People (millennials especially) are tired. A lot of us are juggling work, partnerships, family responsibilities, and just trying to exist in a world that seems to keep getting busier and more demanding. A lot of people don’t have a ton of capacity for relationships in their lives, period. Making friends takes effort. But those who want to reciprocate are out there, and you don’t have to expend all your energy trying to find them. Let’s start small.

1. Try Meetup or Bumble BFF

These apps can be hit-or-miss, but a lot of people have luck with them. Meetup lets you find local groups with shared interests, and Bumble BFF is like a dating app for friends. Are there weirdos? Sure. But that’s true whether you meet people on an app or organically. There are also plenty of people looking for genuine connection. Worst case, you’ve got a funny story to tell. Best case? You meet someone who clicks. The downside is these apps aren’t often available in super rural areas. 

2. Use Social Media for Good

I know social media can be a double-edged sword, but hear me out. Follow local community pages or hashtags on Instagram or Facebook. You might stumble across events like art workshops, dance classes, or yoga in the park. Putting social media to its best use is a great way to find stuff happening nearby that doesn’t feel overwhelming. If you live in a city or a bigger town, there are often in-person events whose sole purpose is letting people meet and mingle. 

If there’s a college or university nearby, check out their events calendar. Colleges often host free workshops or classes open to the public. It’s a low-pressure way to meet people who are also there to learn something new.

3. Host a Game Night

This one requires a little bravery but can be so worth it. Invite a few friends over and ask each of them a plus-one (bonus points if it’s someone you don’t know.) Keep it small – around 8–10 people – so it doesn’t feel overwhelming. A cozy night with food and games can be a great setting to meet new people in a safe, low-stakes environment. This can be an especially fun activity to do every couple of weeks during the winter. Rotate hosts and try to stick to a regular evening that works for most people. 

4. Follow Your Hobbies

Do you like hiking? Gaming? Knitting? Books? There’s probably a group for that. Ask around or check online for local clubs. You’d be surprised how many communities have niche groups that meet regularly. (Bonus: it’s way easier to connect with someone when you already have a shared interest.)

The Neurodivergent Twist

If you’re dealing with ADHD or social anxiety, all this might sound overwhelming. And yeah, it can be. But you’ve got strengths you might not even realize. ADHDers often have high levels of energy and creativity, which can make you a magnet around the right people. Social anxiety can make you a great listener and a curious person, which people love in a friend.

Don’t be afraid to play to your strengths and set boundaries where you need them. If big groups feel intimidating, stick to smaller settings. If you need to leave an event early because you’re feeling overstimulated, that’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.

If You Feel Stuck Making Friends, Therapy Can Help

Not every attempt at friendship will work out – and that’s fine. Some people just aren’t a good fit, or don’t want to invest time, and some friendships might fizzle. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you’re narrowing down the pool to find the people who truly get you.

Sometimes forming friendships isn’t about a lack of putting in the effort. If you’re struggling with things that make socializing feel truly impossible – like social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, or ADHD challenges – therapy can help. Together, we can work through the anxiety, behaviors, and beliefs that are holding you back from building the friendships (and life) that you want.

Learn about my therapy services (including EMDR and talk therapy) if you’re located in Idaho, Iowa, or South Carolina. For all other locations, check out my coaching services. My coaching program offers all the same expertise, tools, and guidance as therapy in a more direct and goal-oriented approach that you can benefit from anywhere.