How To Find Your Identity Beyond Work

For millennials with ADHD and anxiety, the relationship between work and identity can feel confusing and enmeshed. As a therapist, I often see how societal expectations and learned tendencies like perfectionism and people-pleasing contribute to this connection, making it hard to see where your job ends and you begin.

In the first part of this series, we looked at the risks of over-identifying with your career. In this second part, we’ll focus on personalized strategies to learn how to find your identity beyond work. If this sounds daunting, it’s understandable. A deep-rooted habit like mixing up identity and work won’t go away overnight. But by cultivating a more values-led sense of self, you can find more balance, authenticity, and fulfillment in your life. 

Why It’s Hard to Separate Work and Self

Work’s influence on identity starts early. From childhood, you’ve probably heard messages equating success to working hard and that a good life is defined by a good career. This messaging, coupled with the pressures of adulthood, can make it really hard to separate your self-worth and sense of self from what you do as for work.

People with ADHD and anxiety can be particularly prone to having work ultimately feel like either a refuge or a trap (or both.) A job offers structure and external sources of validation, but also tends to reward and exacerbate traits like perfectionism, stress, and burnout. Breaking free from this cycle doesn’t mean work doesn’t need to matter to you. It just means it doesn’t need to be everything.

Finding Your Identity

It’s easy to understand why it matters to gain more balance in your life around identity. It’s an entirely different story to enact needed changes. When you’ve spent your whole life focusing on a particular way of defining yourself and the world, it can feel overwhelming to think about doing something different. Plus, what does identity even mean?

The philosophical and literal definitions of identity change depending on who you are. Your answer might require you to ask yourself things like:

• Who am I?
• What do I value?
• How do I add to my community? What do I gain from my community?
• What do I want my life to look like? If societal expectations didn’t exist, what would bring me joy, contentment, purpose, etc?
• What do I feel good doing? What don’t I feel good doing?
• With whom do I feel like I can be myself? 

These are big questions, and it’s okay if you don’t have any clue how to start answering them. It can take a lot of exploration and unlearning old beliefs to figure out who you are and what you actually want in life. 

Exploring Different Components of Identity

Your identity is so much more than what you do for a living. Some different components of identity might include things like…

Who You Are

This is the essence of your personality and core self. Ask yourself:

• What’s your personality like?
• What unique values guide your decisions, thoughts, and behaviors?
• What makes you feel energized, truly alive, lit up?

These questions can help you start to explore the unique qualities that make you you.

How Your Brain Works

The way you perceive and interact with the world shapes your experiences and how you relate to others. Neurodivergence is a huge part of how you engage with the world, and learning how to work with and embrace this part of yourself can lead to greater self-understanding and acceptance.

Who You Spend Your Time With

Relationships and community play a vital role in shaping identity:

• Who are the people closest to you?
• How do you like to spend your time with others?
• How do you identify? If you’re queer and neurodivergent, for example, do you have a supportive community of other queer and neurodivergent folks?

These connections and communities offer a sense of belonging and help define who you are outside of work.

How to Find Your Identity Beyond Work

It’s okay to feel lost or be unclear of your identity outside work. Be patient: this takes a lot of practice and effort. Here are some places to start. 

Redefine What Success Means

Have you ever thought about the way you personally define success? Success isn’t about things like promotions or productivity. It’s about living in alignment with your personal values and finding joy in and meaning, however small, in your experiences. Regularly check in with yourself. Ask yourself: Are my actions aligned with my personal values and goals? What matters to me outside of work? Your answers might include things like relationships, nature, creativity, personal growth, or community involvement. Therapy can be an excellent space to explore these questions. 

Shift Your Language

How you talk about yourself shapes how you see yourself. When meeting new people, make a point to ask them questions about what they enjoy doing rather than just what they do for work. And instead of saying, “I’m an account manager,” for example, try saying, “I work in management.” This small shift emphasizes that your job is something you do, not who you are.

Set Work Boundaries

Healthy boundaries help you create space between you and your job before, during, and after work hours. Try things like:

• Turn off email and text notifications after work hours.
• Take regular breaks throughout the day.
• Move your body during work, even if it’s just to get up and stretch.
• Protect non-work hours for non-work activities.

Cultivate Hobbies and Interests

What makes you curious or excited? What feels relaxing, thrilling, or fun to think about trying? Whether it’s aerial yoga, guitar lessons, hip hop dance classes, volunteering, or training for a marathon, these activities can help you reconnect with parts of yourself that have nothing to do with your career.

Build Relationships Outside of Work

Invest in friendships, family, and social connections that remind you of the value beyond your job title. Make time for loved ones, join classes or interest-based groups, or reconnect with old friends to deepen your sense of belonging.

Practice Self-Compassion

Being hard on yourself is an easy pattern to fall back into, especially if you’re used to equating productivity with worth. But you are more than your accomplishments. Remind yourself (over and over and over) that it’s okay to rest, to make mistakes, and to prioritize self-care.

Seek Support

Therapy is a powerful tool for untangling the beliefs and patterns that keep you stuck in a work-centered identity. With guidance, you can explore who you are beyond your job and learn strategies to create a more balanced life.

Support in Finding Your Identity Beyond Work

Work will likely always be an important part of your life, but it doesn’t have to be all of who you are. When you expand your sense of self, you give yourself the freedom to experience fulfillment in multiple areas of life, to endure setbacks or transitions with greater ease, and to live in with more authenticity and balance.

If this feels like a daunting shift, therapy can provide the support and guidance you need to navigate it. Together, we can explore who you are beyond your job title.

Curious about working together? Reach out today to schedule a complimentary consultation and see if we’re a good fit. Let’s start building a better future together.